I didn’t realize the EMT* said, “Oh she DID have a bad heart.” The next words the EMT said were surreal. “You’re mother died.” I turned stood by my grandmother and screamed no. Then went into punish the wall in the kitchen.
I spoke to mom the night before and she said she was having heart burn and she assured me she was alright and I left it at that.
I had my brother’s old car that only went 30 miles an hour so I said I would check on her in the morning. In the morning I was running late so I went straight to work with all intentions of checking on mom at lunchtime.
Mom and I had gotten into the habit of talking every night. I would tell her what went on at work, what she did during the day and what we were cooking for dinner.
On the way to work that morning there was a car chase. The car that was trying to get away from the police was smoking but it kept on going. There were about five police cars trailing behind it. My first thought was, I have to remember to tell mom about this.
When I arrived at work I had to get letters out inviting my employees for an in-service. While I was at the postage machine the receptionist told me my mother’s neighbor was on the phone. That was weird, why would Rosy call me. Rosy told me I needed to get home. I got there as quickly as my little car could go.
Later my grandmother told me mom got up that morning and took the garbage out.
Why didn’t I stop on my way to work? Why didn’t I get up earlier? Would it have made a difference?
When I went through mom’s papers I found a note written to my brother, sister and me. Just a few words, “Everything is going to be okay. God Bless.”
There so much I wish I could tell you, so many things I need and want to ask. It’s just not fair that you had to leave me/us. You were much too young. There was so much living left for you to do.
I now know firsthand that you were in silently suffering from the lupus. I wish I understood this when you were alive. I wish you shared your pain with us.
I wish I could let you know mom, I understand what I didn’t, when you tried to tell me. To have one day more to tell you I’m sorry for all the hurt I gave you when I was growing up. For not being the person you wanted me to become. I’m sorry I fought you every step of the way. If only I could rewind our life. I would seek your years of wisdom, instead of debating with you. I wish I could tell you how much I love you and I wish more than anything I could hear you tell me the same.
I am thankful for the last few months we shared talking and getting to know each other. But as always my greed wishes I had more time with you. Somehow I know there would never be any amount of time that would be enough.
Mommy, I miss you so much. I find myself mentally and physically in a bad place so often. I feel alone and need your unconditional love, understating and forgiveness. I feel you watching over me and I hear your words whispering to me often. Especially when I feel weak and ready to give up it’s your memory that keeps me going.
I smile when I talk to my grandchildren and I sound like you or Gran. You both were strong woman and a great influence on me. I only hope to have half the impact on my children and grandchildren’s lives as you both had on me.
Forever in my heart.
*EMT – Emergency Medical Technician.