I was laying in bed this morning, debating if I should get up and take my medication or just lay here and try to go back to sleep. But that crazy question that has no answer continued to haunt me this morning. What is the meaning of this life I’m living? I can’t figure out what my reason for being is. I wonder if I’m living or existing. My days feel empty to me, yet I bask in my solitude and it makes as much sense as the life I live. I’m doing what I must do to wake each day, take meds, sleep, eat and shit. I go visit doctors to analyze my health; I go to the physical therapy/rehab. I spend hours on Facebook, peeking into other people’s lives and playing a game that has no real purpose.
Life once made sense, or maybe I thought it did. As a child there were so many possibilities, dreams and hopes that could come true. And time was plentiful; my whole life was ahead of me. Then life was lived and those possibilities started to look impossible, impossible because I didn’t want to work at making it possible. So I dream of what I could of, should of, would have been, if my choices were different.
Today my dreams look impossible, I’m 51 but feel much older. My body abandoned me, it’s fighting me, punishing me if you will. I was blessed with beauty, I was smart, I was fairly healthy and what did I do? That’s right nothing!
People like to say you can measure your success by what you have. I have a place to sleep, food to eat. I have three children who are surviving in life, three beautiful grandchildren. I made a decent living that provides me today with a decent SSD check once a month. Should I be satisfied with that? No I want more, I believe I deserve more. I don’t want fame and riches though it would be nice. I want happiness. My children and their children give me moments of happiness, but it’s not enough. I want to feel mentally good all the time, after all my body is constantly hurting me, I am always on the verge of tears. So I want, at least, to feel good mentally all the time. Is that selfish of me? I don’t think so. I’ve spent my life putting everyone else’s happiness ahead of mine. I gave and gave and gave until I had no more to give. At the time I enjoyed giving, to see the happiness of others gave me happiness. But today I want my own happiness.
Yes I turn to God and I ask for forgiveness to the wrongs I’ve done in life, I ask for my children to be happy and I ask for help to see what my purpose is. I continue to be confused, to feel lost and alone. I know as long as God is in my life I am never alone. But I am human, I need, I want and demand human approval, touch, praise and companionship. I have so much locked inside me I don’t know how to let it out, to release the frustration, the hurt and loneliness I feel.
When I was younger I use to hope for…and when I obtained, I believe I was lucky. Now that I’m older, I pray for… and when I obtain, I know that I am blessed. I am thankful to God for He is the master of all and He makes all things possible.
Lupus is the thief in the night, crawling in the dark creases of my mind and body stealing the me that I was…ha! am. Not knowing that I was giving myself away for free. I gave up who I was, to be this helpless, sick, depressed, sad and lonely woman. Full of regret about the life I lived, the mistakes I made. I crawled into an abyss if darkness, wandering loss inside myself. I couldn’t come to terms with what life has given me; this present wasn’t a gift, not this lupus that turned me inside out, upside down and all around. I was so angry, frustrated blinded by rage. Disappointed.
My life was/is like an ocean without fish, a sky without birds, a sun that won’t shine, a land without foot prints, and a moon lost in an abyss of darkness. What a master thief depression is.
I still have no answers. I still don’t have a purpose, but today I don’t care, today I have a peace. What will, may be and I will be as I may. I have lupus and I’m not going to continue to allow it to consume me, I’m not dead, I have breath in my lungs, a mind that thinks, legs that walk and a heart that beats with life. There is tomorrow all I have to do is wake up.