Reincarnation, Heaven or Dead.


I was wondering about death. Which really isn’t unusual for me for several reasons, first of all I’m chronically ill. Death is in considered every time I have a new test. Even when blood is taken to check to see if everything is alright, to ensure that the medications are working.  Also I’m a little over middle age, physically, mentally I’m still young and beautiful then I look in the mirror  and see my mother’s beautiful face in mine as she aged.  So then I get depressed and think about my life, my children and a whole bunch of other stuff.

Death is on my mind when I get depressed, yes and suicide. I wonder how I would take myself out of here. Well I’m not going to the top of a huge building and jumping off, I suffer from acrophobia, no Ferris wheel or roller coasters for me. I won’t even get in a plane, sad cause I really would like to go to places like Egypt, Alaska, Hawaii, the Grand Cannon, Africa, Fiji and the Rain Forrest  to name a few. This is why I watch the discovery channel a lot, but it’s not the same as touching, smelling, feeling and tasting your environment. So jumping from a high place won’t work. Besides I might survive the fall and then I would be chronically ill, crippled and maybe disfigured.

Shoot myself in the head, no I don’t like guns. I believe they are the worst invention made. People have no respect for other peoples’ lives. I’m talking about committing homicide on myself, not anyone else. Again I may survive, it’s known to happen. I really don’t know how people can stab themselves in the chest or cut their own throat. I couldn’t even cut my wrist and lie in a tub and wait for the blood to drip out of me. And I’m not tying a noose around my neck and hanging myself. The fucking rope might break. All these suicide ways involve pain. An old friend of mine use to say, I’m allergic to pain, so am I.

The only way I would consider taking myself out of her is with drugs. I got enough shit here to over dose on. I’m a pro at swallowing pills. It won’t be no-thing to take a hand full of these anti-depression pills and chasing them down with a bottle of scotch. That’s the way I would do it if I was seriously considering suicide.

I won’t murder myself. I spoke to a shrink about this once; she didn’t believe that I didn’t have it in me to kill myself. I really don’t, that’s not to say that sometimes I wish I was dead. But I wouldn’t help death into my life. To me my life is like reading a book or watching a movie, I keep reading or watching even if it’s not good just to see how it ends.  I got to see how my life turns out, so I’ll ride my life out to the end.

Back to the subject at hand, my wondering about death.  Does anyone know anyone that came back from the death and told you what it’s like? My mom visits me in my sleep as a dream. My first dream after she died I was floating on a raft with my sister. The waters were calm, it was a real serene place. I was struggling with my  life and my sister was dealing with a difficult situation. Our mother was on the other side of the river we were floating on, she was in all white and she was waving to us. She looked so beautiful and I wanted to go to her, so my sister and I starter paddling toward her. Mommy put her hands up and shooed us back and told us it wasn’t time for us to come to her. She also assured us that everything would be okay.

I had this dream almost nineteen years ago and it still very real to me.  Did my mom came back from heaven to comfort us? I dream about my grandmother, aunts, uncles so often. Are they sending me messages? If they are what are they telling me?

Is there life after death? I was raised to believe in heaven. That I would go to the pearly gates and meet St. Peter.  I figure St. Peter was going to send me to Purgatory and that scared me more than hell.  I didn’t want to be a lost soul.

Now I want to know is there a Heaven? It won’t be long before I find out. After all it wasn’t that long ago I was born. Remember I’m little over middle age. So my curiosity is strong. If there is a heaven I’m pretty sure I’m going to be invited to enter through St. Peters pearly gates. What will I find? Will I meet my family who went on ahead? Will I be able to peek at my family I leave? Will I be able to visit them in their dreams?

Will I be able to sit down with God and ask him to answer all my questions about life? Does anyone know the answers to these questions?

What if there is no heaven and we are reincarnated, over and over again. Is that really a possibility? That would be like you fucked this life up you get a do over.  That would be cool, especially if you could remember your past life.  Everyone, well maybe not everyone, but I do have a person that lives inside my brain. She’s my conscious, feelings, thoughts, she the me that’s makes me, me.  I can only account for me. When I leave the room if I can’t hear you, it ain’t real, it ain’t happening. Has anyone else felt like that? What if, when we die we become that me, that’s inside ourselves.  We float around until a baby is born and we start a new life.

Wouldn’t that be wonderful? Especially if we remember all the mistakes we made in this present life.  Imagine the possibilities.  You ever look at a baby and say that’s an old soul.  What about these little kids that are prodigies, could it be they were reincarnated? They carried over their skills until they perfected it.

Maybe we do get reincarnated and we get so many chances to get it right and at some point we go on to heaven. I guess I want to believe that there is life after death. If there is only death then what is the purpose of life.  The way society is today we’re killing the earth in the name of technology.

Is Greek mythology true, and are we just toys for the Gods?

32 thoughts on “Reincarnation, Heaven or Dead.

  1. Profound post!

    We all have our qualms, quandaries and queries on life and also death.
    Each person, at some point, has gone through difficult times, even questioning the very reason for living (or dying). And yet, answers are elusive. Perhaps, only when we cross the Great Beyond that we find answers.

    “Strange, is it not? that of the myriads who
    Before us passed the door of Darkness through
    Not one returns to tell us of the Road,
    Which to discover we must travel too.”
    – Omar Khayyam

    Cheers! Have a nice day…

  2. Morning Kim! All penetrating questions that many of us ask, I am sure. I’ve never ever thought of taking myself out of here…I’m a straight up punk when it comes to pain. Pills aren’t an option either. Mostly, I think about the pain that would cause my family. I suppose I haven’t experienced that kind of pain…physically or mentally…yet. Had a close family friend do that less than four months ago. Tragic. I’m still trying to make sense of it. Went to his daughter’s 5th birthday party yesterday, and kept thinking that it really didn’t have to be that way.

    Secondly, I do believe we come back in many ways, occupying new bodies with a better pair of soul-penetrating eyes (that old soul that you speak of), nature, and those unexplainable things and feelings that folks can’t quite explain.

    I’m happy that you choose to live, share your stories – of pain and triumph – and bear witness that living is well worth it. Your journey makes it feasible for others to cope, find hope, and rejoice in another day lived.

    1. First thanks for reading my story. It was hard when I first became sick. The doctors kept telling me I was very sick. I didn’t feel “very” sick. I couldn’t breath but I was use to having a hard time breathing after a while. But if you hear you are a very sick person you start to believe it. I was always depressed, thought I was dying, no one understood how I felt. Not even the psychiatrist. I would cry for hours literally. But I didn’t want to leave my family and that’s what kept me here. Trust me when I had those feelings I had the right kind of drugs to swallow. But I’m glad I’m still here. 🙂

      1. And I am glad you’re here also. 🙂 We’re all in this thing called Life together, trying to do the best we can. I’m a firm believer that we are each other’s keepers and that we should check in on folk periodically. I’m glad that this venue allows you the opportunity to share openly, and be encouraged by the experiences of others as you navigate your own. It was my pleasure!

  3. You are also living through your writing and it is touching many. Keep living. Keep loving. Just think …if after leaving this dimension we spend eternity reliving missed opportunities – wouldn’t that be hell? Live this life with vigor & intentionality. By the way, too bad you don’t fly on airplanes. You might really enjoy visiting Senegal.

  4. Oh and one more thing,,you are very attractive and you can write very very well, so yes I will read more.

  5. Can I ask you a question? I’m sure you’re saying,”why yes of course.”

    Here it is, when you think about death, do you think about those you will leave behind or do you think about just leaving here?


    1. smile. Those that are here is .one of the major reasons I don’t want to die. I want to be here for my children even though they are ‘grown’. I also have 3 beautiful grandchildren I will love to see grow up.

      1. how about this for a “song that takes you back , and fits in nicely with our/your current topic”

        Baby come back, we don’t have to end this way, I was wrong and I just can’t live without you

  6. I’m always moved by your writings and your pictures. I believe your an amazing woman, and that you dont deserve the pains and even the sickness that you are battling with right now. And whenever I look at your work, really, I am so proud of you, for how many folks can write and blog such great things, profound words, and strong messages amidst the pain they are going through? Not much, maybe just only you. So kudos for another meaningful post, inquisitive, yet reflective!

    1. I am having a hard time trying to make comments or even to like on your blog. I’m reading but it says I need your permission. Some I can read some I can’t ??????

  7. Honestly….i think about these an uncomfortable amount of time….It can really drive me crazy at night…It’s nice to know I’m not alone….

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