Stop Abusing Me with Your Tongue

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My mother always told me; if you don’t have anything nice to say about a person don’t say anything. I also often heard the following from a variety of sources; ‘think before you open your mouth.’ And I know I should treat people the way I want to be treated.

 

So maybe when I was young and didn’t know better I might have… maybe treated some people bad. I remember this really nice guy who liked me, he came to this party dressed in all white, this was in the 70’s so he had on bell bottoms, a vest and a super fly hat, and a cane. As we use to say he was dressed to the Tee. I was pissy drunk and he came over to help hold me up and when I noticed who he, was I called him “wart.” Everyone called him that but I never did and almost 40 years later I still feel really bad about it.

 

I got guys beaten up for no reason. Threw a cherry icy in a man’s face because I thought he cheated me out of change, but the truth of the matter, it was me that didn’t know how to count. I did things like that, things that hurt people, and it was wrong.

 

Me, of all people to treat people bad. I was a scary cat.  I had three physical fights in my life and got my ass kicked royally each time. I was never a fighter, always and expert lover though. I use to be in love with love. But now I’m cynical, I will post, in the coming days, my essay on cynical love.  I have to update it to 2012.

 

I always try to be kind, thoughtful and caring. There are still times that I get annoyed and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the lupus.  My fellow lupies reading this, I know stop blaming everything on the lupus.  Sometimes those Access-A-Ride drivers are real ass holes. The older ones, who are feeling the same aches and pains as me are the kind thoughtful ones. They help you, talk to you pleasantly and smile. Then you get those young ones still smelling themselves and acting like their shit don’t stink, think it’s scented like Channel no. 5.  They push their rearview mirror up so they don’t have to see or talk to you. You ask them if they know the way they say they do or they say they have a GPS. The GPS’s on those buses are programmed to take the longest route because the companies get paid by the distant.  In addition the stupid machines will direct them to make three rights and they end up in the same location. Then when they get near my destination and they can’t find it, now they want to ask do you know where it is. Of course I get spiteful and tell them to ask the GPS. That’s not nice, I do know better. But I can’t help myself I get this burning in my belly and it grows and grows until it explodes and shit just falls out my mouth way before I have a chance to stop it. I guess it must be anger, frustration or something. I need to figure it out someday.

 

That person isn’t me, really it’s not. I was raised to respect my elders, now that I’m an elder, I want some fucking respect. I want people to be patient with me because my thinking gets foggy, you know.

 

Physical Abuse

 

Everyone feels sorry for the woman who gets a black eye, a busted lip, teeth knocked out maybe a rib or two broken.  When you see that abuse, you want to kill the man that could do this to a woman. Especially if it’s a woman you care about, like your mother, sister, daughter or aunt. I learned a long time ago. Mind your business, that woman will turn around and defend that man. I have seen it all through my life. The woman will attack you for getting in their business. Sometimes the man gets help and things get better. Sometimes the woman has enough and leaves, or she kills him or he kills her. Very rarely is it a good turnout.

 

 

I had a black eye from a man once and these are the words I wrote:

How do I love thee?

Let me count the beat downs.

A back hand to the jaw,

So you don’t have to think for yourself no more

A kick in the gut,

Will show you how,

       to keep your mouth shut.

Dragging you by your hair,

Will show you how much I care.

Hands around your neck,

Will teach you some damn respect.

Ahhh, baby don’t whine,

I do these things to keep you in line.

I know my love for you, is deep and true.

Don’t cry you can hide that black eye.

BABY! What cha’ doing wit’ that gun?

What cha’ mean I’m done?

POP! POP! POP!

 

I’m a real sensitive person. If you look at me wrong I cry. So imagine being told to shut up. When you want to talk, to be told they don’t feel like talking.  To be chastised like a child, because you forgot to pick something up, or told you folded the towel the wrong way.

 

To judge people by someone else morals, by what they think is right. Your opinion is not important. Some folks are just that closed minded. To constantly not being believed, until someone else tells them the same thing. You don’t speak up, because you can’t yell loud enough to be heard. So you become quiet and your silence becomes very loud. You tip toe around what want to say, so you don’t get your feelings hurt and end up crying yourself to sleep to keep from hurting more.  Or you write a blog, essay or something just to get the anger out. Maybe even hurt yourself.

People, who don’t care about other people’s feelings, maybe they are protecting their own feelings.  Their stinking thinking, let me hurt before I get hurt.  And end up hurting the ones they claim to love, they say the most hurtful things and don’t even realize it. Then something clicks in their head, like a split personality or something. They turn around and try to say something to cheer you up. It’s a sickness that infects the people you’re around. Snapping at you for no reason what’s so ever.

 

For those who read this already I needed to add more:

 

I think this may be an important factor. The one doing the verbal abusing doesn’t realize or care that they chip away at the abused person’s self esteem. The abused person believes they are the ones that are not living up to their potential. That they, the abused is at fault and doing something wrong. An abuser will build a person up with gentle words one minute and the next reduce them to tears.  The abused person begins to question their feelings, doubting the validity of their own words and feeling. When in fact it’s the abuser whose self esteem is lacking the confidence of accepting other people’s opinions, they are the ones who have closed their minds.

 

Like I mentioned earlier it’s hurt or be hurt so they hurt first. They are the ones who need to exercise the practice of hearing before responding with negativity.

So you question their love and ask how they can say the hurtful things they say. You want to know how to you can fix it. But just like a physical abuser you can’t fix it. So your options are the same. Continue to take the tongue whipping, pray they get help, leave or Pop, Pop, Pop.

 

So as I said in the beginning if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything.

 

Treat people the way you want to be treated.

 

11 thoughts on “Stop Abusing Me with Your Tongue

  1. I will love you to share more of your experiences with the same audacity 🙂
    I think you are making me your die-hard fan with every other post 🙂

        1. 🙂 I am definitely going to try and get to read your work real soon. I read all the blogs that I follow post. On the weekends it gets busy. I guess people aren’t working sot they blog all weekend long. I try not to fall behind then I end yo with hundreds I have about 35 now.

  2. Most people’s memories are a littered with things they regret, but changing and growing means that the memory litter trail of regrets peters out towards the end. From what I read on your blog I am sure that this is true of you. I am certain that you’ll be able to look back and see less ‘litter’ and that’s much more of an achievement than many claim for their lives. As for the abuse, it’s human nature to be like that to some degree or another; in my opinion only contact and communion with God changes us and makes us more human and less evolved ape. I read in your wise and well chosen words the echoes of the gospels.

    1. Thank you Richard. I do turn to God for comfort and have been doing so more and more each day. Since I wrote this essay I have come to look at my past with different eyes. I see that I had to travel that path to get to where I am today. I believe I’m in a good place today. Thanks for stopping by and reading. 🙂

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