A Still Heart and Breathless Lungs

I think because I have been chronically ill for three years now, I look at my life differently. There is no one to blame for the things I’ve said and did. When circumstances arise, how I handled them was up to me. If my refrigerator was empty I could lie in the bed and cry or get up, go outside and try to make some money to get some food. I even had choices how I would get this food. I could sell sex; I could go to the pantry or public assistance. You see what I mean. We have choices in everything we do and it is childish to blame someone else for the bad choices we made. We have free will, a gift from God.

He gave Adam and Eve free will with one stipulation; they were forbidden to eat of the tree in the center of the garden., the one that bared the fruit of knowledge, or the fruit of good and evil, or if you must, the apple tree. Eve was beguiled by some say it was a peacock, to taste the fruit. Oh Eve tried to resist, but the peacock was crafty and convinced her that she would not die as God had said, but that her eyes would be open and she would be as gods, knowing both good and evil. Eve knew it was wrong because God forbidden it, but she gave into temptation and she convince Adam to taste of the forbidden fruit too. When God learned that the peacock had hoodwinked them into eating of the forbidden, God punished the peacock and sentenced him to crawl on his belly and to eat sand for all the days of his life. Eve’s punishment was to bore children in sorrow.

Apparently the punishment didn’t end with childbirth. Every twenty eight days, give or take a few, she would bleed, passing the unfertilized eggs, and they would pass with pain. This pain caused the woman to be irritable, cranky and crave chocolate. She lashes out at the man, pushing him away during her monthly insanity. When the blood passes, she returns to the ‘normal crazy woman’ she started out as. But the curse doesn’t end there. After baring children and laboring their birth, the monthly bleeding slows down. She may bleed every other month or so. But God continues to remind her that she is still cursed for Eve’s transgression and she suffers with her own private summers all year long. Everything changes on her, the boobs droop and her hair falls out from the chimney and the furnace. Her skin sags, she can diet all she wants but the weight won’t go anywhere. She gets these headaches, backaches and her joints aches. Her mood is still irritable she drives not only the man insane but everyone around her. One minute she’s laughing and joking, and then all of a sudden the tears are falling and when someone asks why? How the hell is she suppose to know?

God punished Eve and all her daughters; He greatly multiplied their sorrow and conception: and in sorrow thou shall bring forth children. Gen3:16

But God did not take away free will, we learned this lesson as children, but like Eve we are easily beguiled. Well I can’t speak for everyone but I do know I was.

You see I was a young mother, which may have been a bad choice, I was having sex and the result was I became a teenage mother. I could have chosen to stay a virgin and work hard for my future. I could have stayed a virgin until I was married, but that’s not what I did. I could have taken the birth control pills my aunt put next to my breakfast plate with my vitamins every morning. But I didn’t.
I can’t blame the “boy” I got pregnant by, I was not raped, though, that first guy who touched me rape is questionable. When I started having children it was my choice and they are my responsibility. It was my free will. My children are not to blame for my choices and should not suffer for my pains. Like we woman do for Eve.

Sometimes I find myself alone with nothing but time to think and I see the eras of my ways and feel regret. This is why I am always in my kids business, even though they don’t want me there. But I believe it’s my obligation, my commitment as their mother to be their guide though life. At the same time I want them to stand on their own two feet and make their way in this world. I sure as hell don’t want them asking me for money, cause like me they have choices, just as I did. But as their mother I carry their burdens with them. Something a lot of young mothers don’t do for their young children. But don’t let me start there, babies left in trash cans, babies beaten to death, babies raped male and females by their mama’s boyfriends, abused in all unimaginable ways, oh the list is long and sad. Not the topic for this essay.

I believe I could have been a better mother; I could have given my children more of my time. I once believed that time was infinite, well it is but not for me, my life all of our lives is on borrowed time. I am flesh and blood and a given only a short time on this soil. Yet when we are young we don’t realize how quickly life is passing us by.

What is this thing called life all about?

Minute’s ticks to hours, hours to days, day’s dissolved into night and nights turn to weeks, the weeks pass by into months and the months disappear into years. Then like magic I woke up one morning I was the same person, but time had moved on. My body is slower, my skin saggy and my face is a road map tracking the trials and tribulations I conquered over the years. I didn’t notice time passing by. You know I really should of stopped and smelled the coffee, I mean really smelled it, you know, savor the moment kind of thing.
All that shit I thought I knew the answers to. I now know I was stupid, stupid, stupid. I should have listened to the people who were, the age I am now, when I was younger and knew all the answers. Did you get that? Read it over, word by word, I wrote it and had to do that. Did I tell you I was stupid? Now that I know the answers to some of the mysteries that really aren’t mysteries I want to share it with my kids, but remember they don’t want to hear what I have to say, because I’m old fashion. Do you remember thinking that about your parents? What goes around they say.
What I want to share with my children is very simple, take life slow, and don’t rush to do, what would be done better if you take your time. Find something to enjoy about each day you wake, for waking young, strong and healthy is a Blessing, to be sincerely thankful for and not taken for granted. Especially if you’re a woman, I think we age so much faster than the men.
I heard once that youth is wasted on the young. I know what that means now.
Life is a lonely trip over calm waters, through rough seas. Burnt feet across the hot desert sand and lonely souls in crowed rooms. A heart full of hope and a mind full of expectations. Sometimes a sleeping dream and sometimes a waking nightmare, mysteries unfold to confusions sometime forever untold. Answers lost in the abyss of forever darkness. Life’s destiny is not a mystery; we all receive the same fate, a still heart and

 

breathless lungs.
Change, change.
Can be just a wave,
Taking me to the shore.

Change, change.
Can be a current,
Submerging me in depths
Deep beneath the sea.

Change, change.
It’s a world away,
A foreign entity,
A black hole hidden,
In a constellation of light,
That blinds the truth.

The change is just the same.

 

3 thoughts on “A Still Heart and Breathless Lungs

  1. You are an amazing woman! God gave you this amazing gift to write, and an amazing heart that touched a lot of people 😊 and I’m proud of you and cherish you more than I could ever say it 😊 amazing post, Kim! Profoundly witten as always! Enlightening too! Thank you😘

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