A Beautiful Seasoned Woman

They wanted to disfigure me because I had the attention of the boys. I wished I was dark skin and ugly. I wanted buck teeth, glasses and nappy hair. I wanted to fit in. You see I didn’t see myself as being blessed. I thought I was cursed.

I was pretty, I was sweet and I was shy. I learned to be respectful and caring. I was well taken care of when growing up. I was never hungry or went without the basic necessities. However I never heard the words I love you. As I reflect on my life today I know I was loved growing up.
Back then my yearning to be loved, added to my prettiness, shyness and trusting nature equaled, to boys taking advantage of me and me, mistaking their horniness for love. In any circumstances I got attention and that’s what I wanted. Today I would have fit in perfectly, with the sexual evolution. But forty years ago I was the easy girl, a hoe, as we said back then. The girls in the neighborhood didn’t like me, even though they didn’t know me. I was light skin, had “good hair” and exotic features. They wanted to disfigure me because I had the attention of the boys. I wished that I was dark skin and ugly. I wanted buck teeth, glasses and nappy hair. Anything that would make me fit in. You see I didn’t see myself as being blessed. I thought I was cursed. I wanted a different life.
As I grew older I didn’t make sensible decisions. I didn’t think things out. (To learn what kind of life I choose read my other blog. http://meverselupus.blogspot.com I speak about my life while coming to term s with lupus.)
Today I look in the mirror and see the aged me. I’m seasoned but still see a glimmer of the girl I was. As most people who have more years in their past then they do in their future, I reflect about days gone. Tears often accompany those thoughts. Good and bad times. What can I tell you, I’ll cry on commercials and not just the Hallmark ones. I had fun in my life, it was challenging, exciting and satisfying sometimes very painful, yet it was my life and I lived it. Yea I would probably do it over the same way if given the chance.
Today I’m older and I pray wiser and life is precious. I respect nature and all living things, human, animals and plants, even insects and bugs.
Four years ago I was knocking on death’s door. I had all the feelings that come with dying. Anger, regret and sadness all rolled into one. It was depression and its sister, anxiety. I didn’t have insurance and could get the testing and medications I needed. I joined lupus on-line support groups and became more and more depressed. I feared the worst and forgot to hope for the best. I didn’t pray, this lupus was God’s doing, a punishment. He’s not going to answer my prayers. So I wrote my obituary and put it with my life insurance policy. I was thinking about writing letters to my children and grandchildren, hence my first blog.
I had all kinds of pills, good drugs. I thought about making a meal out of them and washing them down with a good bottle of scotch. Glad to be here today.
It was September 2010 and the Healthcare reform for people with pre-existing conditions became available. I immediately applied and could afford the premium. I could get the medication and the different testing I needed. My COPD shouldn’t have caused the difficulty I was having breathing. The result of one of the test diagnosed me with Pulmonary Hypertension. (The blood doesn’t flow easily from my lungs to my heart and back.) Medication and therapy was prescribed. I’m feeling better. I lost sixty of the hundred pounds I gained on steroids. I stopped reading the support group entries. I haven’t used oxygen in eleven months. I can walk a few blocks and can stand for thirty minute. It’s funny what you take for granted when you’re young and healthy. The doctors are reducing my medications.
My pulmonary doctor said he doesn’t know what’s happening with me but I am doing very well.
I know what’s happening Doc, God is healing me. He’s guiding me. He’s not finished with me. He is showing me His love. He’s letting me know love for the first time in my life. I may not be in total peace, but I learning and accepting his guidance. He has shown me that though Him all things are possible. I look in the mirror and see a beautiful seasoned woman who is very blessed.

54 thoughts on “A Beautiful Seasoned Woman

  1. Amazing – poignant and inspiring. I am sooo glad you are here to tell your story. You have a beautiful spirit which shines through. You are a rare beautiful orchid with a steel core!

  2. You followed many different roads, each ones adding experience and wisdom to your life. You rolled them all into a woman full of wisdom, experience and compassion. I see you as an inspiration to others, I know you inspire me.

  3. The title says it all really; that’s you, inside and out. I’ll take a wander over to your other blog too I am sure I’ll learn a great deal there. Your faith is extremely strong. Jesus’ teaching is that every thought is as strong as action, so every bad thought enacts upon the world as strong as any bad deed and any good thought enacts upon the world too. The difference with thought is that it harms or blesses the thinker more than it does the world. As your thoughts are positive and your actions good so you become stronger in faith and closer to God. Which from your writing is clear to me. If I had half your faith I’d float everywhere two inches off the ground. God bless Ricky W

    1. My Dear Ricky, You truly flatter me. Coming from you this is a true compliment that I am humble to receive. I’ve fallen behind on reading my emails. I am saving reading The Temple and The Sacrifice post to read once I get caught up. I should in a few days. I am finally able to take my days slow. No more baby sitting or doctor appointments for a few weeks. I honestly can’t read your work it does speak to me. For spirituality is also very deep and mighty, I long to submerge in the depths of it.

  4. Thanks for your words of encouragement. God is surely good and I am definitely blessed. I know he has plans for. I don’t know what plans. What I need to do is stop guess and just live life.

  5. Indeed, you are a blessed and beautifully seasoned woman! What a moving account of the progression of thought and maturity through some very life-transforming pain and observations. I’m happy to hear that you carved some critical Life Lessons from these circumstances to overcome not just lupus, but the perceptions and projections of others onto you; but more importantly, from them, you’ve developed your own beautiful impression and understanding of your most authentic self.

    God is indeed amazing like that; He is more than capable.

  6. You are a strong woman and God is rewarding you for continuing your strength and for turning to him. Prayers are answered. None of us like ourselves growing up for what ever reason. We don’t really see the real person that we are until we mature. I am glad that you can write about it and share with us. I enjoyed your writing very much.

  7. Kim,

    Once again, you brought tears to my eyes. This time it was pure joy that my prayers for you have been answered. God is a might God and he has truly Blessed a beautiful person. Always know how many hearts you touch. Love you Gurl!! ❤

    Michele

  8. Thought provoking and poignant. Life’s journey encapsulated. Why is it that so much of ourself needs to be so engaged with what others perceive and think? How could we change this and unchain our intrinsic selves?

    Loved it!

    Shakti

    1. For me I know my family influenced my thoughts. They were always telling me people will think… instead of telling me what I should do for myself. They did the best they could and I am the person I am because of them. Thank for reading and your comments. Nice to meet you too.

  9. Indeed, dearest Kim…. a beautiful seasoned woman….
    There would be many things I could say however Kim; your words say it all..
    I’m so glad to have met you…

  10. You are beautiful indeed Kim.
    I’m glad that things have gotten better for you.
    May God continue to bless you abundantly!

  11. I hope you continue to do well with the span of time and boost yourself up with the same incredible confidence and stamina! This really is an inspiration!
    Hugs,
    -Naima.

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