They wanted to disfigure me because I had the attention of the boys. I wished I was dark skin and ugly. I wanted buck teeth, glasses and nappy hair. I wanted to fit in. You see I didn’t see myself as being blessed. I thought I was cursed.
I was pretty, I was sweet and I was shy. I learned to be respectful and caring. I was well taken care of when growing up. I was never hungry or went without the basic necessities. However I never heard the words I love you. As I reflect on my life today I know I was loved growing up.
Back then my yearning to be loved, added to my prettiness, shyness and trusting nature equaled, to boys taking advantage of me and me, mistaking their horniness for love. In any circumstances I got attention and that’s what I wanted. Today I would have fit in perfectly, with the sexual evolution. But forty years ago I was the easy girl, a hoe, as we said back then. The girls in the neighborhood didn’t like me, even though they didn’t know me. I was light skin, had “good hair” and exotic features. They wanted to disfigure me because I had the attention of the boys. I wished that I was dark skin and ugly. I wanted buck teeth, glasses and nappy hair. Anything that would make me fit in. You see I didn’t see myself as being blessed. I thought I was cursed. I wanted a different life.
As I grew older I didn’t make sensible decisions. I didn’t think things out. (To learn what kind of life I choose read my other blog. http://meverselupus.blogspot.com I speak about my life while coming to term s with lupus.)
Today I look in the mirror and see the aged me. I’m seasoned but still see a glimmer of the girl I was. As most people who have more years in their past then they do in their future, I reflect about days gone. Tears often accompany those thoughts. Good and bad times. What can I tell you, I’ll cry on commercials and not just the Hallmark ones. I had fun in my life, it was challenging, exciting and satisfying sometimes very painful, yet it was my life and I lived it. Yea I would probably do it over the same way if given the chance.
Today I’m older and I pray wiser and life is precious. I respect nature and all living things, human, animals and plants, even insects and bugs.
Four years ago I was knocking on death’s door. I had all the feelings that come with dying. Anger, regret and sadness all rolled into one. It was depression and its sister, anxiety. I didn’t have insurance and could get the testing and medications I needed. I joined lupus on-line support groups and became more and more depressed. I feared the worst and forgot to hope for the best. I didn’t pray, this lupus was God’s doing, a punishment. He’s not going to answer my prayers. So I wrote my obituary and put it with my life insurance policy. I was thinking about writing letters to my children and grandchildren, hence my first blog.
I had all kinds of pills, good drugs. I thought about making a meal out of them and washing them down with a good bottle of scotch. Glad to be here today.
It was September 2010 and the Healthcare reform for people with pre-existing conditions became available. I immediately applied and could afford the premium. I could get the medication and the different testing I needed. My COPD shouldn’t have caused the difficulty I was having breathing. The result of one of the test diagnosed me with Pulmonary Hypertension. (The blood doesn’t flow easily from my lungs to my heart and back.)Medication and therapy was prescribed. I’m feeling better. I lost sixty of the hundred pounds I gained on steroids. I stopped reading the support group entries. I haven’t used oxygen in eleven months. I can walk a few blocks and can stand for thirty minute. It’s funny what you take for granted when you’re young and healthy. The doctors are reducing my medications.
My pulmonary doctor said he doesn’t know what’s happening with me but I am doing very well.
I know what’s happening Doc, God is healing me. He’s guiding me. He’s not finished with me. He is showing me His love. He’s letting me know love for the first time in my life. I may not be in total peace, but I learning and accepting his guidance. He has shown me that though Him all things are possible. I look in the mirror and see a beautiful seasoned woman who is very blessed.