Friday Fictioneer ~ Cheers

Another week of the Friday Fictioneer with Rochelle Wisoff-Fields. I’m Sharing my writing this week and hope that many of you join in. This week’s photo comes from Scott Vannatter 

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100 words

My first draft was a bit confusing. Thanks to Rich of Brain Snorts  forsuggesting I make the revisions for those who haven’t read it yet. I am strict with the 100 word count and really didn’t want to visit this piece again. I successfully revised it and kept it at exactly 100 words. I left the original at the bottom.

Cheers

Look at him perched on the table, like he’s the king of the castle. Yea he keeps the mice in check and sometimes comforts me. Okay he often comforts me, but not tonight. I’m having an intimate Christmas Eve supper with Charles and all the traditional fixings. In AA we’re told to wait a year before starting a relationship. But I have needs that kitty can’t fill.

Ding-dong!

“Charles…”

“Hey baaaaaby, some Christmas cheer.” He holds up a bottle in a brown paper bag. His words are slurring  and his body is swaying.

The door slams!

Kitty rubs my leg.

                                            ***************************************************************************

Original

Cheers

Look at him perched on the table, like he’s the king of the castle. Yea he keeps the mice in check and sometimes comforts me. Okay he often comforts me, but not tonight. I’m having an intimate Christmas Eve supper with Charles. Roast duck, candy yam, fresh string beans and mac and cheese. I know we’re supposed to wait a year before starting a relationship. But I have needs the kitty can’t fill. It’s going to be a magical night.

Ding-dong!

“Charles…”

“Hey baaaaaby, some Christmas cheer.” He holds up a brown paper bag.

Bang!

Faithful kitty rubs my leg.

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49 thoughts on “Friday Fictioneer ~ Cheers

  1. I thought you hated cats? Then this Charles guy must really be a loser if the cat is preferable! Good story, I like how it set up the scene and left us with a satisfying (though saddening) conclusion.

  2. Hi Kim,
    Your originality and creativity shine in this story. One of the best ones I’ve read this week. Your character is strong and inspiring. Christmas is a time of many temptations, very true. Well done! Ron

  3. I found the rewrite read much smoother. Good for your MC not letting her would be date ruin her dry spell. Well done. Sticking with kitty was a good call. I think you just missed one word in your rewrite, it’s easy to do. You say, “In AA we’re should to wait a year.” Did you possibly mean told instead of should? Happy sober holidays! 😀

  4. oooh, i had to read the comments to realize it was a door and she didn’t shoot him. maybe “SLAM!” instead of “bang”? either way, well done.

    1. Yea I was thinking that also. But since there is so much confusion I want to scrap it and start over and make it clearer. I take criticism well but with these challenges I don’t think anyone will read it over with revisions. So I decided to leave it as is. There’s always next week. 🙂

      1. i have faced this too. make the change because there are lots of people who haven’t read it yet. see what those others say, if they’re still confused. it’s a good exercise. i’ve made changes before after people were confused. it can’t hurt. nothing to lose. it’s a good story, just one word might need adjustment.

  5. I read the bang as the door being slammed, though I wasn’t quite sure why. Nice story though, and once again, the pussycat steps into the breach.

  6. Did she shoot him or did he pop the bag??? I suspect the former. Is it possible Charles is the cat? I’m a little confused, I admit, but speculating on various interpretations. None of them sound good, however. May your Christmas be purely wonderful, filled with the best Christmas cheer! 🙂

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