It’s My Anniversary On Word Press Today

In celebration I’m re-posting my very first post that had a few readers.  When i started this blog it was to be a journey through my days living positively with hopes of a brighter future.  I wanted to inspire my  fellow lupus survivors. But as I blogged day in and day out and found poets blogging I couldn’t resist sharing my God giving skill of poetry writing in this blog-a-sphere. I’ve met some really talented people who I am happy and proud to call friends.  Thank you all for inspiring me to write. I have written more poems this year than I have in….hell I don’t know. I guess since I was a teenager. See what time does for you.
I still don’t know my purpose in life but I do know I will keep on living. God Bless you all my friends.

All I have to do is Wake Up

1/14/2012

I was laying in bed this morning, debating if I should get up and take my medication or just lay here and try to go back to sleep. But that crazy question that has no answer continued to haunt me this morning. What is the meaning of this life I’m living? I can’t figure out what my reason for being is. I wonder if I’m living or existing. My days feel empty to me, yet I bask in my solitude and it makes as much sense as the life I live. I’m doing what I must do to wake each day, take meds, sleep, eat and shit. I go visit doctors to analyze my health; I go to the physical therapy/rehab. I spend hours on Facebook, peeking into other people’s lives and playing a game that has no real purpose.Life once made sense, or maybe I thought it did. As a child there were so many possibilities, dreams and hopes that could come true. And time was plentiful; my whole life was ahead of me. Then life was lived and those possibilities started to look impossible, impossible because I didn’t want to work at making it possible. So I dream of what I could of, should of, would have been, if my choices were different.

Today my dreams look impossible, I’m 51 but feel much older. My body abandoned me, it’s fighting me, punishing me if you will. I was blessed with beauty, I was smart, I was fairly healthy and what did I do? That’s right nothing!

People like to say you can measure your success by what you have. I have a place to sleep, food to eat. I have three children who are surviving in life, three beautiful grandchildren. I made a decent living that provides me today with a decent SSD check once a month. Should I be satisfied with that? No I want more, I believe I deserve more. I don’t want fame and riches though it would be nice. I want happiness. My children and their children give me moments of happiness, but it’s not enough. I want to feel mentally good all the time, after all my body is constantly hurting me, I am always on the verge of tears. So I want, at least, to feel good mentally all the time. Is that selfish of me? I don’t think so. I’ve spent my life putting everyone else happiness ahead of mine. I gave and gave and gave until I had no more to give. At the time I enjoyed giving, to see the happiness of others gave me happiness. But today I want my own happiness.

Yes I turn to God and I ask for forgiveness to the wrongs I’ve done in life, I ask for my children to be happy and I ask for help to see what my purpose is. I continue to be confused, to feel lost and alone. I know as long as God is in my life I am never alone. But I am human, I need, I want and demand human approval, touch, praise and companionship. I have so much locked inside me I don’t know how to let it out, to release the frustration, the hurt and loneliness I feel.

When I was younger I use to hope for…and when I obtained, I believe I was lucky. Now that I’m older, I pray for… and when I obtain, I know that I am blessed. I am thankful to God for He is the master of all and He makes all things possible.

Lupus is the thief in the night, crawling in the dark creases of my mind and body stealing the me that I was…ha! am. Not knowing that I was giving myself away for free. I gave up who I was, to be this helpless, sick, depressed, sad and lonely woman. Full of regret about the life I lived, the mistakes I made. I crawled into an abyss of darkness, wandering loss inside myself. I couldn’t come to terms with what life has given me; this present wasn’t a gift, not this lupus that turned me inside out, upside down and all around. I was so angry, frustrated blinded by rage. Disappointed.

My life was/is like an ocean without fish, a sky without birds, a sun that won’t shine, a land without foot prints, and a moon lost in an abyss of darkness. What a master thief depression is.

I still have no answers. I still don’t have a purpose, but today I don’t care, today I have a peace. What will, may be and I will be as I may. I have lupus and I’m not going to continue to allow it to consume me, I’m not dead, I have breath in my lungs, a mind that thinks, legs that walk and a heart that beats with life. There is tomorrow all I have to do is wake up.

49 thoughts on “It’s My Anniversary On Word Press Today

  1. Congrats, Kim, and what a well written sharing of your life…I wish you much health and happiness in the years to come and now, with the news we rec’d last year, I can somewhat relate. It’s my daughter’s health that has changed, which paralyzed me last year (and my hubby). She’s 21, but she’s doing well right now on the medication. The future is unknown and that is the scary thought, but I can’t “go there” anymore. I break down if I do. Anyway, congrats and know you have friends praying for you and keeping you close to their hearts. Love, L

    1. Oh Lauren I’m sorry you have to watch your child hurting and you are crippled. I have a son who is ill and all I can do is pray for him. He is 35 so he makes his own choices. Tell your daughter, husband and yourself to keep a positive out look. Tell your daughter to live no matter what the doctors say. Doctors aren’t the healers God is. All is possible with him. I don’t know if you’re in the States or not but there is a news caster name Robin Robyns and she had breast cancer that was healed. Last year she got a rare blood disease. Her sister gave her a bone marrow treatment. Just before the treatment their mother died. Robin was and is so positive. They have shown her recovering and she is always smiling and up beat. It’s the love around her and the will to live. Don’t give up, stay positive and it will work out. My love and prayers are with you and your family. Hugs, Kim

      1. Thanks so much, Kim, and I have vaguely heard of Robin, but will read about her…my mind was paralyzed (not my body) and it’s amazing how news can do that to a person. Now, I can write and talk about it without breaking down and she has the most positive outlook I’ve ever seen. As I said, all is good and it’s like the news never came. So we move on, keep the faith and stay positive. I do appreciate your love and prayers. And I’m sorry to hear about your son, too. It looks like God will be overloaded…I can say now that there’s nothing worse than having a child hurting; it transcends into our bodies and souls so physically. Anyway, hugs to you, too, and thank you, once again! xo

  2. Oh Kim, this touched my soul so much. Although I don’t have lupus, my husband and I had a friend who died of it some years back and that was the first time I heard of the disease. Her parents have raised a foundation in her name.

    I feel the same as you do these days, without any purpose in life. Like you, I give and give and give until my body is bled dry. Always putting other before me. And yet when I need soemthing I always suffer to get it. Positions that are due me at the office are given out to others less desserving and even among my peers I have the least.

    Sometimes, I chaff at God, but to what purpose? He is the creater and knew us when we were formed in our mothers’ womb. He knows what is good for us and that is what He does. Whoa re we to blame him.

    Anytime I read your post, I tell myself that your bing alive is a miracle, Kim. It amazes me a great deal to see yu blogging, writing beautiful poetry and having so much love for your g-son. You are not moping about your condition and that is the beauty and miracle of it. That despite it, you are making alive for yourself and are happy with it. God belss you, Kim. 🙂 May you have more wonderful and blessed years ahead as a blogger and a personal firend. 🙂

    1. Oh Celestine, You are so sweet to write those wonderful things about me. I know life is hard but what can we do but live it. No matter how hard we still have to remember to thank God. I did well when I worked I moved up in ranks with only a HS Diploma and business school certificate. I learned on the job and when the company closed I was adept in home-care. The first company I went to after my learning company closed was with a private family own business. This young woman was promoted to a coordinate position. She had a situation with a client and aid and she was calling back and forth between the two. I suggest she make a three-way call. She did and was praised for it. She didn’t mention me at all. At Christmas when they were giving bonuses she got one for thinking of making the 3 way call. When she went to collect her cash bonus she looked at me. I had too much class to stand in front of the company and say I was the one who told her to put them on three way. Instead I got another job and gave them a week notice. I didn’t tell them about that woman taking the credit for my idea. I should of told them. I ended up working for another agency and was the Assistant Administrator running three branch offices. I was doing a good job. I hired an Marketing Director who had eyes on my position. I laughed at everyone that was telling me. Well I was let go and she got my job. Again I didn’t speak out but after four years she was let go. I’m telling you these things so you can watch your back and speak up. People are vicious and cut throat when it come to earning a living. So speak up for yourself. All the best to you dear one. 🙂

  3. Cheers to your one year!
    “I still don’t know my purpose in life but I do know I will keep on living.”
    I hear ya’ & I’m with you. Let’s keep on living! 😉
    xoxo

  4. Congratulations and happy anniversary…You have done well this year and your deserve all the happiness in this world. 🙂

    I will be posting up my new blog today…sorry for the delay I had to attend matters to my girlfriends health.

  5. Reblogged this on The ObamaCrat.Com™ and commented:
    To 1 my oldest blogging friends in the bloggersphere…..Congratulations, and here’s hoping you have a wonderful safe happy glorious year ahead. Love & appreciate your work Ms. Silently.

  6. So eloquently said and could be my story as written by only changing Lupus to fibromyalgia/heart disease and COPD. thank you for sharing and Happy Anniversary! Love and hugs my similar sister….(((xx)))

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