The Doors of Loneliness

Let silence end, where the darkness begins.

Hear the screams of confusion,

as the doors to loneliness open.

Wander aimlessly against the shadows.

And seek

for that which isn’t lost.

We are all alone. Little bits and pieces are shared with others but no one knows us like we know ourselves. We allow people in our world when we shed our cloaks of mystery but showing only what we want to reveal. As they see what we disclose their perception of us changes, so does ours of them. We are either disappointed or impressed. When we are disappointed we don’t know how to handle it so we do metaphorically as one of my favorite saying goes ‘kick the dog’. Until we figure out if we want them to remain in our lives or to let that relationship go. We weigh the pros and cons. We isolate ourselves inside our thoughts and wrestle with that decisions alone.

If we are impressed with them, then we reveal more trying to display the best side of our self. Until as Eddie Murphy said, ‘the skeletons start falling out of the closet’. Yet just as your skeletons fall out so do theirs. Those sweet words, those kind jesters start to fade away. Until there is nothing left of the person you first met. Occasionally a glimpse may peek out. You get fooled into thinking it was a mood and it will go away. But then more skeletons slip out and you see the person for who they are.

They end up stealing our joy. Read Adams Girl post about joy stealer’s.

You see unhappy people who don’t know how to go to a happy place. They inflict self pain crawling in a bottle and drown in intoxication. Or pop pills, smoke dope or do any of those new designer drugs to escape and numb themselves to give the illusion of being happy. The problem with that is they wake up in the morning and they’re still stained with the funk. They ain’t any happier. They try to make others feel as bad as they do. Or they consider suicide.

Lately we have these new kinds of assholes. We can’t even say they went postal. (a term that we called people who went and shot up people because of some wrong doing to them. Like the postal worker that was fired back in the 80′s.) Because today they shoot up innocent people who didn’t do them no harm. Then commit suicide either by putting a gun to their head or antagonizing the police until they successfully commit suicide by police.

When we feel lonely and have no one to blame, we blame ourselves. We feel lonely. We were born alone and were unable to share our thoughts verbally for the first few months of our lives. Yea mom knew what each cry meant but we couldn’t share our feelings. Okay maybe we didn’t have deep thought-provoking feelings but you get the idea. We go through this experience alone. We may have siblings or friends we share our secrets with but in time we even start to hold back our feeling. Out of fear, pride or to spare the other person’s feelings. The things we think they may judge us negatively for. This is one of the reasons friends come and go throughout our lives, thus leaving us lonely at different times in our lives. Our siblings go on to live their lives. However we have a family bond with our siblings. Sadly some of us even sever those bonds. You know, I love you but I just can be around you kind of feeling.

There are some people who hurt so deep, who are so lonely they want everyone around them to hurt. So they let daggers of pain shoot from their mouths. Ripping the self-esteem of those around them. They are the ones lost so far inside themselves that they don’t even know they are hurting.

We may find mates. Have children, co-workers and more friends. We each live our lives. We keep things from our spouse. Scenario- Harry in the office is flirting with me. I like it so I’m not telling my husband. You think about having an affair because your mate had one. You and that scenario can go on. Like your family and friends can’t understand why you’re still with the bastard. That’s between you and your spouse. You may reveal some but that brings us back to we don’t tell all out of fear of being judge. So you’re alone with these thoughts that you are trying to work out.

So we live our lives in the shadow of loneliness. When we die we’re going to step over that thresh hold alone. If I die in a car crash with my friend I will still go to the hereafter alone. Even if someone is holding my hand as I take my last breath. The thing is at different times in our lives we are going to step through that door of loneliness. And think that there is no one that understands but there is.

Wander aimlessly if you must

to discover your own answers.

If you*re still lost and lonely

without solutions.

Remember,

God is our refuge in the storm.

Give Him all your burdens, sorrows and worries.

And cry away the pain of mortal living.

Know that you are never alone.

21 thoughts on “The Doors of Loneliness

  1. This is very painful, & I do relate. I really feel for you. This is the human condition. We can only hope for comfort & someone at side, but for so so so so so so so many, that isn’t available. A big hug to you… though I don’t know you! But I just feel with this one, Kim.

    1. Thanks for the hug. If you read more of my writing you will see a lot of pain and sadness. I’m trying to stop writing all the doom and gloom. I do pain and loneliness very well. I now sadness being introverted, that’s why I write. At 53 about to be 54 in a month I’m still a work in progress.

      1. I’m 47. Still a work in progress too, most definitely.

        I think the doom & gloom needs to be written out of you, to make way for other perspectives. I don’t think suppressing it is any good. If that’s what you feel, then say.

        I wish you truly, a happy new year.

        1. Oh I will but may not post it as much. I’m working at being happy and not be affected by the abuse and hurt from others around me. I’m too sensitive and if you look at me wrong I would feel deep pain. Those closet to me are the ones that hurt me the most and only because I let them.

    1. No we can’t be alone all the time. But we can feel alone all the time even in a crowded room. But there are times we feel joy when even alone. What I’m saying is that we can intimate with someone but there will always be facet of ourselves that we don’t share no matter how close we are to other people. We are the only ones who know our whole self. Everyone only knows what we share or allow them to know. 🙂 However God knows and sees all. He knows even that we don’t reveal to ourselves. Hugs

  2. Your thoughts are from the heart, Kim, and I feel them…and your concluding poem speaking of God being our refuge is an ending of strength, faith and hope, which we can’t live without. If some people don’t believe in something Almighty, then at least they need hope. Without that, there is no will to live and that is beyond sad. I can’t even fathom it, but we had a close friend of my son’s at the age of 14 who took his own life. It was a shock, as he was one of those “perfect” boys, with family, church and so much going for him. Sometimes hurt is not visible to others. Anyway, hang in there and if you ever need to talk, you can email me. Love and hugs, Lauren

    1. Thanks Lauren and the same to you if you need a sounding board. Sorry about that young man. Seems that he probably had a hard time living up to his own demands to please those around and didn’t know how to find his own happiness. It’s always sad when children die much too young.

  3. I respect your insightful dissection. My conclusions are rather different, but of course I won’t show you them. After all, you will probably judge them.

    1. You would be surprised. Speak freely I’m not one to judge. I’ve lived a long life and there really isn’t much that surprises me. I have been to hell and back. So please share your thoughts.

  4. I’m back! I was trying to find something to post for you but can’t find it but please know, I also feel your Joy and the warmth of your light in all you write. (((Hugs)))

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