I am cloaked in the cold darkness of winter. I grow small and timid yet I feel the comfort and safety of season. I love the gloom that hovers in the atmosphere. I once loved the holidays, the lights, hearing bells of the Salvation Army ladies and Santa Clauses. When I was a kid I remember the smell of chestnuts roasting. The only nuts I smell roasting these days are the sweet peanuts they sell for two dollars a pack.
The vibe on the streets was once full of cheer. People were friendly and full of the spirit of Christmas. It was once a celebration of the birth of Baby Jesus. Now it’s the greed of manufactures and shop dealers. I use to love curling up in front of the TV with popcorn and a good old fashion Christmas movie with the theme of love, unselfishness, hope and belief and endings that fill my eyes with warm tears.
I use to get depressed when my money was low and I couldn’t provide gifts for my children. Now I find that even though I have gifts for my grandchildren I’m still slipping into depression. I had a wonderful Thanksgiving surrounded by family and friends. There was love and laughter all around. I should have been drunk from the festivities for days to come. But no I’m a word away from hysterical crying.
Is it that I am feeling alone without someone to share my life with? That I am on the outside and only allowed a moment to visit in the realm of everyone else’s joy. Am I lost in the past when everything made sense, when things were simple and easy? Am I in this darken state because there is so much evil surrounding the world? Babies being abused physically, sexually and killed the same acts happening to women. There are street gangs knocking people out as a game, for fun on a dare. Devastating accidents, planes falling from the sky, trains jumping tracks and motorist speeding to crash into other speeding cars. Houses and lands burnt to the ground. Homeless people are sleeping on the streets and trains. While the rich buy yachts, planes and other trinkets of grandeur. Am I jealous of the well to do?
Is it the unpredictable weather patterns around the globe? Wars being fought to stroke alter egos. Lies, rumors and greed fill the newspapers. Are some of these, maybe all these reasons are the cause for my spiraling fall into this abyss of depression?
Or maybe I am descending into the blues as a selfish ploy for self attention? Am I a weak soul needing stroking? Am I lying in bed all day with tears in my eyes a cry for . . .