Seeing Through His Eyes ~ Bloggers for Peace

This is very personal and hurtful to write. I wrote it for Bloggers for Peace  Each month Kozo Hattori gives us a theme or prompt which ever you prefer to write about.  This is the third time I’m participating and it is the most difficult because is dips into our personal life.  To learn more click on this link Bloggers for Peace 

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I am looking through the perspective of my thirty-four year old son who has spent most of his adult life incarcerated. He was diagnosed schizophrenic when he was sixteen. He is currently diagnosed bi-polar. He was locked up for six years I think and came home on parole for four years. He was living in a group housing he started getting high and was kicked out. He went into rehab and started training to become a councilor, he was doing well. He got into college and took a heavy load that he couldn’t handle. He started getting high, he quit school, got kicked of his room and was living on the streets. That was always my fear. He robed someone this past August. He was lucky that they gave him six months and violated his parole. He can be back on the streets as early as October 2014. I’m the only one he has and it weighs heavy on my heart. Doing this challenge is hard and personal.

When he was arrested I wrote this poem.

This is seeing things in his perspective.

I do feel the battle you fight in your head. I imagine the voices screaming louder than the love I’ve poured over you from the moment I conceived you. The medication cripples you, makes you dopey, slow with delayed reactions. So you stop and consume street drugs that are out of your price range. So you steal from others who work hard to sustain their lively hood. I know you do this when you are in crisis. I know that when you are in compliance you wouldn’t rob or hurt anyone.

I know you battle the goodness I taught you against the evil you learned while incarcerated. You sit locked in a cell. You are alone with your thoughts and blaming the world for your misfortunes. If there is a mirror in your cell if I was you I would look into it and place the blame on who is at fault. You have to take responsibility for your own actions.

From your perspective, I know you don’t want to blame me . I don’t think you can’t help it ,I am your mother. It is my failure as a mother that you became the man who you are. I didn’t give you the tools you needed to fight the forces inside you or the ones outside that attract you. When I practice tough I fall for your sorrow and believe in you. You play on my love and guilt.

You want to change. You want to succeed and you want to make me proud. You want to give up because you think that I have. But  I haven’t. I’m just tired of being disappointment every time I think you’re making progress in the right direction. I tell you to be patient but you don’t know how because you want to make up for lost time. As you sit in that cell I hope you realize your impatience put you there and you’re wasting more being a ward of the state who sees you as menace. They know that you will be back and spend your life behind bars. But I will always see you as my son, my adult son not a little boy. I will always love you and believe that you will succeed and make me proud.

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36 thoughts on “Seeing Through His Eyes ~ Bloggers for Peace

  1. What a wise mother to love so honestly. What loneliness you both must have, never quite being able to take hold of each other.

  2. My heart goes out to you Kim. It’s not easy I know and I can only say that I admire more than ever the brave and happy front you put up! It’s my fervent hope that God will make your son proud of you one day soon 🙂

  3. Your son is very lucky to have you in his life. I have been incarcerated most of my adult life and I still have 2 more years to go before I am released. It took this last bid (I received 8 years for non-violent drug related charged) and losing everyone in my life family/friends for me to realize the errors of my ways. I have spent the past 5 years trying to better my life from in here and I plan to carry that out into the world with me when my time is over. I hope your son can realize as well that living his life behind bars in not the right choice. I wish you both the best of luck and I applaud you for sharing this. Joe P. Guerrero

  4. Bless your beautiful and brave heart Kim. Thank you for this courageous sharing, and know you are strengthened from within even as all of us in your blogging family send you strength through our prayers and meditations.
    With admiration and love, Gina

  5. In one way things re what they are and you cannot unwish them, be different, disappear. In another way things are the way you view them and the way you act. And that you have the power to change. And I see you doing that, winning that struggle despite the pain.

  6. My heart is with you my sister, I can feel what you are talking about, when people have those medical issues it is hard to overcome, my older brother took his life at the age of 21, he was bi-polar and just could not handle life in our world, in and out of institutions he decided he could not take anymore, he used to beat me when I younger and yet he was my brother, as I got bigger and older he could not handle me, with the medicine it slowed him down and the last year of his life on the outside he was better but inside his demons still haunted him. I never gave up on him and always continue to love him, because he did not know what he was doing. And that’s what I said to God when he passed, why did he not take me instead because he did not know what he was doing. Stay strong, and always share your love and words of hope with him and pray, as I will pray with you…we can blame ourselves for many things, and yet sometimes it is way beyond our control. Just love Him always, and be his mother! I used to tell my oldest daughter when she made mistakes in her life, that no matter what she ever did, I am her father and I will always love her…That she said has always helped her in her life….and as parents who genuinely love that is what we will always do! Thought I would share with you, as you are important to me my sister. Hugs and blessings to you always and have a wonderful and blessed Sunday Kim!

    1. Thank you Wendell. Your words are soothing. My son took my car one night. He was drunk I called the cops afraid he was going to hurt some one. The cops said if I made the report my son will be charged and wouldn’t be able to drop them. So I didn’t. In the morning when he came home he thought I called the police. I had custody of one of daughter’s friends. My youngest daughter and friend got in the car. My oldest daughter and I were clutching each other trying to protect each other. I could see my son wrestling the demons in his head. By the time we got into the car. My son had a shovel we were locked in but my hands were shaking so I had a hard time starting the car. (A mini van) he smashed the back window with a shovel. The just as I started the car and got it in drive he smashed my window. I pulled off before he could take my head off. That’s when I called for help. This was before cellphones. When I returnrd to the house the police were trying to talk him down and they had guns pointed at him. I do love him and will do what I can for him. But it is hard.

  7. Big hugs Kim. Stay strong. Wonderfully strong writing. I know it’s hard on you to see your son go through what he is. I wish there was more I could offer you, but I all I have is friendship.

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