I will hit my head into a brick wall, over and over again. One example I would drink a bottle of scotch, laugh, dance and have sex until the early morning hours. When I wake up with my head ready to explode and my stomach tossing and turning I will vow to never drink again. By the time the next party comes around I will pour myself a drink and another and another. My vicious cycle of partying hard continued.
I was in love or if I’m honest with myself I’m in love with a man who I was with for twenty-three years. If we were still together it would have been thirty-three years this June 6. Money, drugs and sex with other people tore us apart. Love definitely wasn’t enough.
Just yesterday he called and told me he still loves me, thinks of me all the time and wants to spend time with me. I want to believe him but I can’t be a fool anymore. He let me know how much he loved me when he said I do to another woman and never took the steps to marry me.
As lonely as I am I know I can never have what we once had. Our past was built on fantasies, hopes and lies. There were so many lies that they escalated and exploded like shit in a fan, and made a nasty mess. Yea, I know, I could clean it all up but the scent of the funk would still linger in the air. Eventually the old feelings of hurt would return. I can taste my history and even though I hunger for a loving relationship today. I will not take a bite of my past because I remember being over stuffed.
I’m a fool, trusting and believing. I will open my arms and heart and let you back in. I will forgive and try to forget. But if you hurt me again I will dig up those past hurts just like it was yesterday. I will throw them in your face until you hurt like me. Don’t get me wrong, I will take chances even though the last time it didn’t work. So I don’t usually let the past influence my current decision I say this often in my writings I am forever hopeful. I believe in the goodness of everyone and I believe my reflection will bounce back goodness to me and one day I will have happiness.
Did I respond to what this prompt asked for? I don’t think so, really. But you know a bit more about me.
©Kimberly Wilhelmina Floria 4/8/14