Throw Out the Trash ~ Baggage Check

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Throw Out the Trash ~ Baggage Check
We all have complicated histories. When was the last time your past experiences informed a major decision you’ve made?

 

I will hit my head into a brick wall, over and over again. One example I would drink a bottle of scotch, laugh, dance and have sex until the early morning hours. When I wake up with my head ready to explode and my stomach tossing and turning I will vow to never drink again. By the time the next party comes around I will pour myself a drink and another and another. My vicious cycle of partying hard continued.

 

I was in love or if I’m honest with myself I’m in love with a man who I was with for twenty-three years. If we were still together it would have been thirty-three years this June 6. Money, drugs and sex with other people tore us apart. Love definitely wasn’t enough.

 

Just yesterday he called and told me he still loves me, thinks of me all the time and wants to spend time with me. I want to believe him but I can’t be a fool anymore. He let me know how much he loved me when he said I do to another woman and never took the steps to marry me.

 

As lonely as I am I know I can never have what we once had. Our past was built on fantasies, hopes and lies. There were so many lies that they escalated and exploded like shit in a fan, and made a nasty mess. Yea, I know, I could clean it all up but the scent of the funk would still linger in the air. Eventually the old feelings of hurt would return. I can taste my history and even though I hunger for a loving relationship today. I will not take a bite of my past because I remember being over stuffed.

 

I’m a fool, trusting and believing. I will open my arms and heart and let you back in. I will forgive and try to forget. But if you hurt me again I will dig up those past hurts just like it was yesterday. I will throw them in your face until you hurt like me. Don’t get me wrong, I will take chances even though the last time it didn’t work. So I don’t usually let the past influence my current decision I say this often in my writings I am forever hopeful. I believe in the goodness of everyone and I believe my reflection will bounce back goodness to me and one day I will have happiness.
Did I respond to what this prompt asked for? I don’t think so, really. But you know a bit more about me.

 

©Kimberly Wilhelmina Floria 4/8/14

37 thoughts on “Throw Out the Trash ~ Baggage Check

  1. You seem to have little fear in revealing yourself, which is a kind of true strength. OTOH it may not always be appropriate in every situation, of course.

  2. I’m glad you moved on, Kim, and this reminded me of the relationship I was in prior to meeting my husband..we were together for 3 years, he was a good man and person, but our future “wants” were different. I thought I could “change” him, so cliche. Now I look back and I’m so glad he couldn’t be changed because I’m blessed now with my husband and two children. Things happen in life with reason and sometimes, we’ll never know the reason or we’ll find out later…thanks for sharing a little bit of You and have a lovely Mother’s Day, my friend…

  3. These words specifically spoke to me, my friend and with the hard time I’m having with some female “bullies” at work lately, you have given me strength. I especially like this: “and I believe my reflection will bounce back goodness to me and one day I will have happiness.”

    1. I’m happy my words help. I’m sorry you’re having difficulty with your peers. Remember to treat them the way you was to be treated. I hope things get better. Do your job and make sure you keep back up to prove you’re doing your job.

  4. Do not let him sweet talk you. Not if he’s still married. Not if he’s still drinking. Not if you think you’ll go down the same path of self-destruction, Kim.

  5. When the heart says one thing & the brain says another – it’s not easy.
    Why can’t they just get along & be in synch? 😉
    {Hugs}

  6. A very honest piece: I know, only too well, the incredible pull these charismatic (if toxic) guys can have upon us; it is SO hard to let them go – and sweeping the blighters back in again often seems like the only solution. But. But. But. xxx

  7. My goodness.. this is a scary venture. I pray that you will find all that your heart has waited for all of these years. Just walk slowly and listen to God, instead of only the hope in your heart.

  8. Dang, good call on not letting him back in, doesn’t sound at all like he was a good idea for you at all Kim, sorry If I’m being overly blunt 😦

      1. I know that all too well, To be honest I’ve still got a lot of ‘past’ that I’ve yet to get out of my system, because every time I think I have it comes right back :-\ sigh!

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