Sisters Bonding

The following is an expert from Chapter Six of Hidden Temptation by Kimberly Wilhelmina Floria January 25, 2015 ©Library of Congress1-2085948171

 

 

 

Lynette, Anita and Odette sit at the island in the kitchen. Jeanette is mixing flour, butter and milk to make drop biscuits. She looked at Odette and says, “So this Wilhelm, he seems like a nice guy and unattached. Why not just see where it leads?”

 

 
“Why are ya’ll all in my business…again? I’m a grown woman and capable of making my own life choices.”

 

 
“We just don’t want you to be lonely, old age sneaks up on you, you know,” Lynette says.

 

 
“It’s okay I got you two old ladies to keep me company,” Odette says.

 

 
“Yeah? We have our lives, we might not have time for you when you need us,” Jeanette says.

 

 
“So I’ll go to the senior citizen center. Hell I was born by myself and chances are I’ll die by myself,” Odette says.

 

 
“I’m feeling you,” Anita says, “but it’s the marks we leave behind.” She pauses and looks at Odette, who looks bored and uninterested. “I had a teacher in high school who said, ‘if I taught one person who learned something from me, then I did my job.’ It’s the same if you touch one life and make a difference. Everyone has a purpose, what’s yours Odette?”

 

 

 
“Hell if I know and I don’t care,” Odette says.

 

 

 
Jeanette looks at her baby sister and shakes her head from side to side, “you got to let someone into your life. You can’t go from the cradle to the grave alone.”

 

 
“I got it. Ya’ll know all the answers. With ya’ll in my life how will I ever be alone?” Odette asks without expecting a response. Odette shakes her head from side to side, she twists her lips then bends them into a frown, “look, Jeanette you got your husband and kids, if that’s what makes you happy, good for you. Lynette, you and Anita have each other and if that makes you two happy. Good for you two. I’m happy with my life. I’m my own person. I do as I please and answer to no one but myself and that does me just fine.”

 

 

 
“You’re our sister and we just want you to be happy,” Jeanette says.

 

 
“And I am happy,” Odette insists.

 

 
“Alright, leave it alone, let’s go forward. Okay?” Lynette says.

 

 
“I’m with that,” Odette says, “I am going to be out of town next weekend so, ya’ll need to go see our mother on Saturday, and take the boys.”

 

 
Jeanette and Lynette look at each other, Lynette nods her head and Jeanette takes a deep breath and says, “Okay, we’ll go.”

 

 

Do the sisters sound like they are close?  Does the conversation sound real?  Should I work on anything?  Can you see the scene?

17 thoughts on “Sisters Bonding

  1. I liked the flow of the sis convo. Sounds real. You know – we all have our thoughts when it comes to our sibs & their happiness. 😉

  2. Ooh, I love a good story! Thanks for sharing that excerpt from what sounds like part of a greater story about relationships, sisterhood in particular, and life in general. Yes, the dialogue sounds authentic, in that, most siblings have that same back-and-forth banter. I would drop the y’all’s. Your reader might grow tired of it after a few of them and it may limit the character’s intelligence in her or his mind as a result.

    I’d like a bit more setting/scene as a reader. What is going on around the sisters? Are they gathered to make biscuits for a special event, etc? Some inner landscape of the characters would help also – especially with regards to Odette – what’s going on in her mind? Perhaps she can have a reverie or flashback of sorts that might help the reader understand what might lie at the heart of her resistance to companionship (or her insistence on being alone). Hope that feedback helps! Continue…

  3. Hi Kim, this dialouge could be that of me and my 6 sisiters. LOL Family, and sisters in particular, are ‘well-meaning,’ when it comes to their sibs lives.

    And the ‘ya’ll’ we talk like that when we are with each other. If we can’t be real, down home and authentic with family, we’d be up shit’s creek without a paddle.

    I like where you’re going with the story so far.
    Just my take, so far. Keep at it.

  4. Nicely done. Engaging. I’d try for shirted sentences, cut the ya’all, and watch the repetitive use of words.

    They have that nice authentic sisterly combination of protectiveness with an edge of mild irritability and I know better than you. I like it, Kim.

  5. Sorry, Kim but I can’t really give you much in the day of feedback as this is not the kind of dialogue I normally read. Also, not being an American what might sound accurate to me might not to an American and vice versa.

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