I was at a place spending sleepless nights with would’a, could’a and should’a. I was in a pit of self-pity. Why didn’t mom tell me? Why didn’t this one explain to me or that one warn me? Maybe they did but I didn’t listen.
I realize this is my life, my journey. Had anyone tried to show me the way, I wonder would I have listen? Funny thing is I’m sure they did, I just ignored them. One thing for sure all that I’ve seen and experienced made me the person I am today. Today I like myself, well most of the time I do. I’m sure there will come a day when I will honestly love myself. I think these are the thoughts that helped me to earn these silver locks. I realize I had choices, even when I didn’t I still have to digest those experience.
When I became sick I blamed everything bad that happen in my life on someone else. But I was the one who took the bait and was hooked into doing things I should have waited to do or things that would come back to haunt me. I wanted to grow up too fast and made really stupid mistakes. Mistakes that I remember often and think if I could do it over I would do so and so. I can’t change my past or the things I’ve done. All I can do is try to forgive myself and remember I was young and gullible. That doesn’t excuse me because I was raised with morals. I knew right from wrong. It was my choice to ignore that little angel yelling in my ear and listen to the devil whispering in the other.
I had dreams and wanted to get them without working for them. I wanted to take short cuts and I did. Those short cuts lead me to a dead-end street. I even blamed my dreaming for my wayward life style. Thinking I should have faced reality, maybe I should have.
Today I want to dream but I’m afraid to. I want a pure happiness in my heart but I feel broken and afraid. I believe I am being punished for the bad I’ve done and I have done some really bad things. I didn’t hurt or kill anyone but I did things that could have land me in jail. No I’m not revealing, but take my word for it.
My purpose of this post is to remind those who are young, healthy and still have time to make the right decisions to stop and weigh their pros and cons. I know temptation is always lurking around luring us with tricks and promises but be strong and avoid the booby traps. We only get one chance at life. There will be some regrets that can’t be avoided but you can limit the number of them. Weigh the consequences of your actions.
My lesson, as I said, is to forgive myself and learn to live for today. As long as I have breath I have hope. Maybe it’s not too late for me to still dream or not.
©Kimberly Wilhelmina Floria 8/18/15