I am embarrassed that I allowed envy, fear and forgetting to live in the now made me behave unbecoming.
I learned how to forgive myself for my past indiscretions, somewhat. I sometimes wonder if I did this or that differently how my life would be. Though I muse about my past I no longer beat myself up or cry over what was. My past made me the woman I am today. Right?
This is why I am embarrassed for allowing my ego and fear of tomorrow dictate a bad decision I made a few days ago. There is no excuse, especially when I’m trying to live in the now. Today I have my medication. Just yesterday I worried how I was going to purchase it. In 2014 I received extra help to assist me with the cost of my medication in 2015 I was no longer eligible. It’s been fearful especially with recovering from my lung surgery a year ago and this constant fight with this lupus flare.
In March, I believed I was going to die and I wanted to fulfill my dream of being a published author so I put a few poems together and published Pages of Pain. It did pretty well, I didn’t get rich but I sold a few copies. I was so excited I decided to put together another book with a wider variety of my poems. Whispers I Silently Heard. I am so proud of this book and anxious to get sales. Knowing that in reality poetry doesn’t sell that well not even in mainstream. My girlfriend has sold a lot for me. I sold some kindle copies and a few autographed copies and a couple on create a space. Almost a hundred copies in total! The profits has helped me purchase my medication. I still need to find ways to sell more copies and I am not a sales person or adept in marketing.
A few days ago someone told me he doesn’t expect anything good this way he isn’t disappointed. I guess he was right because I was dreaming big with Whispers I Silently Heard.
I turned to a friend and fellow blogger for help. Sheri Bessi (now Eckert) of The Other Side of Ugly: Letters to Humanity started a FaceBook page :Dear Human a while back and asked me to invite/share her page with my friends and I did without hesitation. She asked if I had a page she wanted me to share and I told her not at that time. I was still working on my novel (I still am) and wanted to save her offer until I published Hidden Temptation. Last week I asked Sheri if she would give Whispers a shout out. She declined because too many people ask her for shout outs. I figure she wouldn’t since her brand has grown tremendously since she started her FB page. I expressed that sentiment and she said that it saddened her that I thought she wouldn’t share because she has grown. I apologize for expressing that thought privately and now publicly. You see the reality is she offered to share a page not a book so I was wrong. I’m embarrased that I asked and more so that I tried to guilt trip her into sharing my book. Old habits do die hard.
I don’t know if I was envious of her ability to snowball herself into a tremendous following. Was I angry because I thought she owed me and wouldn’t help. Or maybe it was my ego thinking I was bigger than I was and that my book of poetry is worthy of sharing. I do know what caused me to make the selfish remark but I sincerely regret showing my ugly side. I am human and on a quest to be better spiritually. It’s because I’m human that I make mistakes. It’s because I am trying to be better that I can own my mistakes and publically apologize even if in doing so it’s embarrassing.
Sheri forgave me this is what she said, “You don’t need my forgiveness precious. I wasn’t offended. I just wanted you to know it wasn’t because I don’t care or that I don’t like the book. I care and I love your writing. I’m sorry you are sick. Truly. I will share it on Word Press as a re-blog in a heartbeat. Giving my own recommendation to read it and why it speaks to my heart. You are very loved. Truly.”
Sheri is a wonderful woman with a pure and sincere heart and I should have known better. I apologize whole heartedly.