This Side of Ugly

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I am embarrassed that I allowed envy, fear and forgetting to live in the now made me behave unbecoming.

I learned how to forgive myself for my past indiscretions, somewhat. I sometimes wonder if I did this or that differently how my life would be. Though I muse about my past I no longer beat myself up or cry over what was. My past made me the woman I am today. Right?

This is why I am embarrassed for allowing my ego and fear of tomorrow dictate a bad decision I made a few days ago. There is no excuse, especially when I’m trying to live in the now. Today I have my medication. Just yesterday I worried how I was going to purchase it. In 2014 I received extra help to assist me with the cost of my medication in 2015 I was no longer eligible. It’s been fearful especially with recovering from my lung surgery a year ago and this constant fight with this lupus flare.

In March, I believed I was going to die and I wanted to fulfill my dream of being a published author so I put a few poems together and published Pages of Pain.  It did pretty well, I didn’t get rich  but I sold a few copies.  I was so excited I decided to put together another book with a wider variety of my poems. Whispers I Silently Heard.  I am so proud of this book and anxious to get sales. Knowing that in reality poetry doesn’t sell that well not even in mainstream. My girlfriend has sold a lot for me.  I sold some kindle copies and a few autographed copies  and a couple on create a space. Almost a hundred copies in total!  The profits has helped me purchase my medication. I still need to find ways to sell more copies and I am not a sales person or adept in marketing.

A few days ago someone told me he doesn’t expect anything good this way he isn’t disappointed. I guess he was right because I was dreaming big with Whispers I Silently Heard.

I turned to a friend and fellow blogger for help. Sheri Bessi (now Eckert) of The Other Side of Ugly: Letters to Humanity   started a FaceBook page :Dear Human a while back and asked me to invite/share her page with my friends and I did without hesitation.  She asked if I had a page she wanted me to share and I told her not at that time.  I was still working on my novel (I still am) and wanted to save her offer until I published Hidden Temptation.  Last week I asked Sheri if she would give Whispers a shout out.  She declined because too many people ask her for shout outs.  I figure she wouldn’t since her brand has grown tremendously since she started her FB page.   I expressed that sentiment and she said that it saddened her that I thought she wouldn’t share because she has grown. I apologize for expressing that thought privately and now publicly. You see the reality is she offered to share a page not a book so I was wrong. I’m embarrased that I asked and more so that I tried to guilt trip her into sharing my book. Old habits do die hard.

I don’t know if I was envious of her ability to snowball herself into a tremendous following. Was I angry because I thought she owed me and wouldn’t help. Or maybe it was my ego thinking I was bigger than I was and that my book of poetry is worthy of sharing. I do know what caused me to make the selfish remark but I sincerely regret showing my ugly side. I am human and on a quest to be better spiritually.  It’s because I’m human that I make mistakes. It’s because I am trying to be better that I can own my mistakes and publically apologize even if in doing so it’s embarrassing.

Sheri forgave me this is what she said, “You don’t need my forgiveness precious. I wasn’t offended. I just wanted you to know it wasn’t because I don’t care or that I don’t like the book. I care and I love your writing. I’m sorry you are sick. Truly. I will share it on Word Press as a re-blog in a heartbeat. Giving my own recommendation to read it and why it speaks to my heart. You are very loved. Truly.”

 

Sheri is a wonderful woman with a pure and sincere heart and I should have known better.  I apologize whole heartedly.

 

34 thoughts on “This Side of Ugly

  1. Oh my lovely friend, I am first of all happy that you have made 100 sales. It will keep growing I am pretty sure.

    Now please do not be hard on yourself We are all human and it is very allowed to make mistakes every now and then.We all learn from them I am so relived Sherri took it all in good faith. She is good person and I follow her blog.

    You are always in my thoughts and prayers, Kimmy. You shall not die but live to declare the glory of God. Amen. 🙂

  2. Sometimes we feel that something is a mistake when really it isn’t. The fact that you felt so ahamaed about your actions shows that you are a thoughtful and caring person. Your actions were not malcious and it sounds like you have done some amazing things! It already seems that this mistake you thought you made has turned things around.

  3. Its OK to be confident sometimes.. There is a difference between that and outright arrogance! I know a few people who would like to see and read a book about something that relates to them! Don’t be hard on yourself!

  4. YAY on the sales that you have made thus far!
    As for the price of meds – EEEK! And – that’s with us having insurance. Those co-pays sure add up quickly & into the thousands.

    Thanks for sharing your imperfect perfect self. None of us are perfect. But – if the heart & soul are in the right place – things always seem to work out.
    {Hugs}

  5. 100 copies is so great. You know, everyone breaks down over something and everyone has their own ways of breaking down. I’m Sure Sherry has forgiven you. It wasn’t one of your ugly sides, it was a frustrated beautiful side. That’s all. Do Not go hard on yourself.

  6. I pushed send to soon I will gladly share here on WordPress all the information about your plight. What you have done to make it possible to get you medicine. WordPress is my largest SM forum with over 32,000 subscribers who can read it. Please provide me with a link to your most recent blog post sharing your book and details of how to purchase it and I will shout you out as loud as I can. You are a precious woman going through a lot of stuff and you mean a lot to me. So much love, kindness and healing I want for and with you. Love, Sheri

    1. Thank you Sheri. I see that you found my post promoting Whispers. I really appreciate your help. Though I feel desperate​ I believe something good is going to happen. I’m not afraid of dying I’m just not ready yet. 🙂 You are really a beautiful person and I am truly sorry for my behavior.

  7. Oh Kim, I’m sorry you are being so hard on yourself. And I am thankful that you understood that it isn’t that I don’t want to share your beautiful poetry.

  8. Dearest Kim, we are all of us HUMAN.. and I know Sheri’s heartbeat is in tune with yours… It takes great courage to admit we are wrong. and even greater courage to admit it in a public domain..

    Please do not beat yourself up any longer dear Kim.. You need all you energy concentrated upon healing..

    Love and Blessings dear Kim.. xxx ❤

  9. You are under a lot of pressure and I think you should not be so hard on yourself. I find it hard not to take things personally sometimes and it is so embarrassing on social media because we can say things and then feel bad about it or it does not come out right. I can understand how it would be hard if you helped someone when they were starting out and now they seem to be more successful and they can’t help you.

  10. I agree with the others. We all make mistakes, don’t continue to beat yourself up over it. We writers are a sensitive lot and complex in our emotions. A hundred copies are very good; I wish I could say the same! With four books out there I’ve barely sold about forty! As I said, we are a complex lot and I have been sorely disappointed with authors that I have read and supported but they have not returned the compliment and I would not ask. If they can’t see it for themselves, I won’t put it in front of them. I suffer from self-doubts about my writing, that they are not really good enough to be ‘out there’ and that is the reason I won’t ask because I fear what these experts are going to say! But you thought you had a promise to share and you thought you were only asking for what you thought you had. As you say, Sheri’s response to you was lovely and it indicates to me that you should forgive yourself for your mistake and move on. I wish you much good fortune with your future books. I’m sure you will always be blessed to be able to get the medication you need.

    1. I know a 100 copies sold is good. I’m not belittling that blessing in the slightest. You’re right we writers are sensitive and tend to internalize a lot. I also think my writing isn’t good enough either. Not to mention I make tons of typos. Eventually I will forgive myself. I have a hard time asking for favors too and it took me a few weeks to ask Sheri. I support a lot of writers too and if the support isn’t returned I believe I’m not that good. In the past I’ve thrown work out because I didn’t think I was any good. I don’t do that anymore.

  11. Thanks for sharing your honesty, Kim, but you are not alone in making mistakes. We are all human and often err. I’m going to catch up on your blog this weekend, just fyi. As you know, I’m breaking from my personal fb, but I’d be happy to share your books on my fb poetry page. The annoying part is sometimes the traffic is awesome and sometimes it’s slow, like now. 🙂 Let me know what I can do, though.
    I used a self publishing company for both of my books and for that reason, profit isn’t much because the company gets a big portion of the sales. If you have time, can you email me with some tips on Create a Space? Did you like it? Maybe I’ll try a third book and do it myself…
    I’m still enjoying your book, too, just on a slower scale, since homework has taken over, but I love it. By the way, I’m so glad you were able to buy your meds from your sales. That is awesome. It’s too bad that we can’t afford to be sick because of the high costs of medicine and hospital care…take care, my friend, and I send hugs and blessings..♥

    p.s. sorry for the “chapter” comment 😀

    1. Thank you Lauren. I know you understand and thanks for your encouragement. Using CreateSpace is totally free. I made mistakes with Whispers kindle edition. I tried to correct them but I don’t know if the corrections went through. You can always update your work. You can’t get published anywhere else for 3 years I think. You don’t earn anything until you get $100 in sales. It’s probably more for Whispers because of the number of pages. I couldn’t set the price for anything under $10.75. I think that is one of the issues for on line sales of the paperback. Don’t worry about reading past blog post. When I fall behind I delete and start where I’m at. I think most of us understand.

  12. 100 copies is amazing. Be good to yourself and no beating yourself up. I understand your frustration very well. You’re doing a terrific job. Have you been in touch with the medication manufacturer? They will often supply it at no charge. Even if you have – try again. It could be worth the frustration! Hugs to you.

    1. Thanks Les. I know a 100 is good. I get got 4 medications from the manufacturers. I will have to pay for two of them again in January until I spend $600 for the year. I can’t get help with the blood pressure medications and thosevare the ones that cost. One of my lupus medication price is increasing and the lupus Foundation is trying to get it under control. The doctors don’t get blood pressure meds samples anymore.

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