Well, Christmas is over and I survived the emotional rollercoaster I was on. Okay at the time of this writing, Christmas is still five days away. Okay so now you know I’ve been scheduling my posts. It’s less stressful for me and I can keep up. This season has been hell, actually this year has been a difficult one for me.
Not only because of my health, my finances made it a difficult year too. The cost of my medication insurance and the co-pays for the drugs I needed created a financial nightmare. I borrowed from visa to pay back MasterCard who helped buy the medications. Now I have creditors are calling me from 8 am to 8 pm that I ignore.
So now I have no choice, I have to go back to work. Sigh. I like working, I like getting a paycheck every week and going out every day and socializing with people. I like being productive, and completing required task and doing a job well. But I’m scared because my energy runs out without prior notice and I’m afraid I won’t be the model employee I use to be before lupus.
I contacted former colleagues and supervisors who will give references as needed. I dusted up my resume and a friend offered to help me fill in the seven-year gap. But I don’t like lying so I added that I was working on my novel and blogging in that time period. I have two books of poetry for sale to prove it and my completed manuscript.
During this Christmas season, I laid in bed watching the Hallmark channel and all the Christmas movies. The ones where people are having a hard time living. Missing love, no job, losing their home, or an illness, you name it there is some kind of misery happening in these good people’s lives. Then come Christmas Eve or Christmas morning with Santa Claus, or an angel or the miracle of the season comes and make everything right. Everything works out and everyone is happy. These movies make an old, sick and struggling woman believe in hope with glassy and teary eyes. Believing is half the magic right. Yea well I’m not naive and I’m not having a pity party for myself.
I am a realistic person and I know that the only miracle that’s going to save me is me. I have always taken care of myself and others. I don’t like to ask anyone for help because no one usually helps me. Still no a plea for pity it’s a fact. I guess it’s because I am a strong woman in spite of whatever I’m going through most people only see the rock. I smile on the outside and cry inside.
I sent copies of my books of poetry to two public figures one of which I knew growing up. All I wanted from them was a little one or two shout-outs on social media. Just enough to help me pull in the reins of my debt but that hasn’t happened. Maybe they didn’t get my books or I’m not worth their time. I must really be full of myself to think someone outside my blogging circle would find my works extraordinary and worthy of sharing. Besides people who are successful in the entertainment industry don’t review unsolicited material. They do need to protect their assets right? I was thinking one hand to pull up and one hand reaching back to help someone else up. Sounds good in theory right?
I’m should stay positive and believe right? If I do then maybe my dream or should I say my desperation will come true. No, I’m too old to believe in make-believe.
But, yet I still believe in hope, hope is always possible. This is why I am looking forward to 2016 with a positive outlook. My novel Hidden Temptation is done. I think its best seller worthy. I sent queries and my synopsis out and I am constantly tweaking it. I do hope to hear from an agent any day now. I just wish I could just get someone to read it without turning 288 pages into a two-page marketing ploy.
Sometimes I feel excited like something wonderful is going to happen for me or to me. It could just be anxiety. Okay, I finished venting. I have my grandchildren and my heart is pure and despite the struggles I face, I’m happy.
If anyone in the NYC area that knows of anyone hiring let me know.
Nothing changed between yesterday and today. I just wanted you to know I’m still good and hanging in there. Finding Happiness
©Kimberly Wilhelmina Floria