An Opinion is Like

 

I deleted the first part of this post. I am working on a summary of my opinion. I did, however leave an update on my health.

 

My intention today was to read your blogs and try to sooth my mind. I was having a moment and I shared it on one of my closed lupus closed groups. I will share a bit of it here.

I am drained and words can’t explain. A mass was found on my left lung, one doctor doesn’t want to do surgery. He wants to wait for it to grow. My lungs are so damaged and I’ve been fighting the Lupus and my lungs since the last surgery exactly 11 months and 27 days ago.

My oncologist sent me for a PET scan, did blood work and consulted someone to do a biopsy. But the mass is too small to biopsy. My oncologist consulted with my pulmonologist and they suggest I go for a second opinion with another doctor that took 2 hours to get to and 2 hours to get home from. It’s not that far it’s just that I have to transfer from one disability bus to another. The wait in between is an hour and I give the extra time in case one or the other bus is late. I did this yesterday and had an hour and 30 minute wait for the doctor. My friend went with me and paid for us to take a taxi home. Yet I was exhausted. I like the doctor very much. He is confident and his confidence spilled over onto me. He says he can remove the mass and again I shouldn’t need any further treatment. However he informed me that there’s something going on in the lower right lungs but it looks like it’s getting smaller.  He says that the last surgery was in the upper right lung. I thought it was in the lower. But now there is something else to watch.

He said he can do the surgery any time.  I have medication I have to stop and get out of my system so he said two weeks.  I look at my calendar and tell him after the 8th I have to vote.  He says of course we can’t have a pumpkin for president.

Now I have to make this trip for pre-surgery testing, then to go for admission then discharge. I am already having financial difficulties so taking taxis to and from is beyond my budget. My sister will come and take me on the day of my surgery and if I ask my brother he will help but I don’t want to burden anyone especially since I can’t provide financial assistance. Yesterday I was so up beat now I feel like the weight of the world is on me. My friend I live with can’t understand how exhausting, how much it drains me to travel. So she yells and dismisses how I feel and tells me it’s not hard. She said just call the guy we use as a car service.  Again it’s a financial issue, I don’t like when someone pays for me, I’m not use to it. I always gave and I was the one that took care of others now I can’t even take care of myself.  

If I was crying because I was scared my friend would comfort me. I’m not scared, I’m a woman who has always taken care of myself, paid my own way now I can’t and I can’t figure out a solution. I just wanted to spill out my emotions. I know it will somehow work out. Just a down day.

22 thoughts on “An Opinion is Like

  1. Make sure you take care of yourself. If others want to help you, let them. You have spent your life taking care of others, allow them to take care of you. Allow them to help.

    I hope you get this sorted soon. And I agree, a pumpkin for president would destroy the world.

  2. You know what? I love your courage. You keep showing up no matter what, -and when you do, it blesses others. Your testimony matters. I know it will get better too, but I hope you find this word encouraging. Not too many are so keenly capable of putting into words the difficulty of the rigamarole of volleying and navigating doctors and healthcare, while also being an advocate. It requires a really tall glass of patience and deep breathing. The only reason I can even read your blog today is because I am sitting at an oncologist’s office, shuttling from one closed door white room to another! smh. I see you, mama.

    It’s okay to let others help you. It’s their way of loving you like they know how. Let them. Namasté

    1. Thank you Avril. Sorry that you are visiting and oncologist. Though those I’ve meet are always so very sweet it still challenging to keep a smile on your face. Yes your words are very much encouraging. Hope that all is going well with you. For me if it wasn’t for doctor appointments I would have no life. 🙂

  3. I think you should let others take care of you and help you out if they’re offering, Kim. I know it’s hard, especially if you’ve always been the person to do it. I feel for you and wish you didn’t have to endure all that you have. What I don’t understand is your friend who lives with you…her attitude. If she dismisses how you feel, then she doesn’t sound like a good friend, just my opinion. I’m glad you have confidence in your doctor, as we’ve discussed before; that’s a vital component to having surgery. Keep venting here and writing in a journal, too, if you’re up to it. Writing is therapeutic, as you know. You are always in my positive thoughts and prayers. And by the way, as much as I love pumpkins, I don’t want one for a president either. 🙂

      1. Remember, you only share what you feel comfortable sharing. Even if it’s really dark, it might help to pen it, but you don’t have to make it public. Hang in there…xoxo

  4. My heart opens to you, Kim.

    You’ve been talking recently about me having wisdom. You know my opinions about how wisdom arises. Having just read this post of yours I am moved to ask, OK, “What about this?

    “Why fear letting it be known that you are a P.L.P. – both a Public Leaning Post and a Poor Lonely Person? Exploring whatever is holding you back can be salutary.”

    https://bookofguff.wordpress.com/2011/07/20/p-l-p/

    Sending you healing, sister. And I suggest you try searches for “placebo effect” and also “positive thought healing”.

  5. I don’t think you should have a pumpkin for president either Kim…..I felt so sad for you in your situation as I understand your medical insurance system is so flawed and not towards you…..maybe this time you have to take advantage of people’s generosity simply by thinking if it was another person who asked you for help and you could give it, would you? I hope you get things organised Kim, best wishes to you…

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